This Is Going To Be A Long One

Whoa. I have had zero views on anything since three days before Christmas. Yikes. True testimony from my lack of involvement on my own blog. Oh well, if the past is any indication, that will only change if I get back into my daily blogging ritual. 

So, Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year everyone! I’m sure you all had a wonderful holiday this year, and if you hadn’t, I’m sorry and I hope next year will be much better for you. *Side note, I just got done watching Brave with my daughter which, incidentally, has left a Scottish accent to the voice that reads what I’m typing as I type it in my head. Kind of odd, but normal.* I’m sorry I haven’t been on in, well, forever. We moved again (I honestly can’t remember if I’ve already posted about this) on the first of December. We are now much closer to our jobs, which is good because hours now have been cut quite a bit, and I’m much happier than here than I was at the other place. 

So December was an unexpected doozy for me. Which is one reason I didn’t blog much during that month. It was the first time in my life where I was so stressed out, my body started showing signs of it. I don’t mean that I’ve never been stressed before. In fact, I’m pretty sure that’s why my body decided to get pregnant when it did. And I’ve always been able to deal with it rather well. But this year. Wow. My hair started falling out faster than normal (which is really saying something because I can create a brand new wig every damn day with all the hair that falls out, and my hair is still super thick). I became emotional over EVERYTHING. And when I say EVERYTHING, I really freaking mean EVERYTHING. Oh, your baby smiled at me? Tears. Oh, a commercial came on and there were happy or sad people in it? Tears. My daughter just told me she loves me? Tears. Oh, my dear boyfriend wasn’t listening to anything I said like normal? Tears. I really don’t know how no one shot me last month. I was annoying myself. And it wasn’t just tears. I was overreacting to everything. I was very easily offended last month. The stress even, somehow, made me either gain weight, or just made me look like I did because I really didn’t change my eating habits too much last month. And we’re not even going to get into the monthly girly problems stress gave me. Girls, you should know what I mean when I say I was bawling my eyes out because I was confused and scared. Nuff said. 

You may ask why I was so stressed. I haven’t completely been able to pinpoint it to just on single thing, but rather it’s a bunch of things that have been going on that just suddenly got to me. Lack of money. Lack of proper sleep. We still don’t live on our own. My daughter is learning bad habits that I never wanted her to learn (like being a little demanding boss. Wth kid.) Everyone getting sick didn’t help. I can’t seem to keep any of the rooms in the apartment clean. And I was sooooo not ready for Christmas (which added to the lack of money portion of my stress). But Christmas came. My daughter was amusingly happy with everything she received. I was even quite surprised at what I got. The amount of time I spent at work instead of home the entire month paid off in the form of two nice checks for the two paydays after Christmas. And I somehow decided that I was going to change things in my life, now, so that I can have a happier, stress free life. Which brings me to the next topic.

New Years resolutions!!! (whirl your whirlygigs)

I’m not going to lie. Every year, I do the normal resolutions. I want to lose weight. I want to have more money. I want to whatever. But not this year. I made zero resolutions for the year, thus freeing me from any guilt I may feel later on down the road. But I do have goals. Many were in place before 2014 even hit. So, here are my goals!

My goals for my writing still stands from what I previously wrote about in a different blog, with one slight difference. Obviously, as I’m still working on Bugs because of my flash drive crash and subsequent motivation meltdown, I do not currently have it on preorder status. HOWEVER, I hope I will by February. No, I haven’t really made any progress on it because of the stressful December (oh yeah, the flash drive crash and guilt about my book definitely added to the stress) and time issues, but I am going to do my best to bust my butt and get it in full gear. Regardless of when, or if at this point, I do the preorder, Bugs will still be released in the beginning of March. That, I am sure of. No more excuses. This NEEDS to get done. So that’s goal number one. Now to number two.

I do actually plan on losing weight. But, instead of buying a bunch of salad that goes to waste and spending fifty to a hundred bucks at a gym that I’ll rarely actually use, I have an actual plan. I’ve been trying (or wanting to try) to lose weight for a long time now, but I had always just done it when I was motivated enough. I have almost completely cut out soda from my diet, if my boyfriend would only stop buying me my favorite stuff. So that has definitely helped with bloating and how I feel. And I’ve been trying to stay away from candy and I haven’t had any at all in the last two or three days. Which is awesome for me. Candy is my biggest struggle. Doesn’t help that I’m a cashier and I can either choose to look at the scrumptious snickers bar, or a Kardashian face. Snickers wins hands down. But on… Wednesday I want to say, I was watching TV on my lunch, and I saw an ad for an exercise app. It’s called DailyBurn. I looked it up, explored it some, and signed up. I have the first thirty days free, so if I end up not sticking to this, then I guess I can cancel. But it’s only ten dollars a month and it’s pretty awesome. The program is filled with videos of various workouts that are grouped based on the type of workout (Yoga, Intense training, Kettle balls, Dance, etc.) and each workout style tends to have it’s own trainer. The app isn’t as good as the website is and I have to resign back in if I make a change in my schedule, but it’s still worth it. And you can stream it practically on any device including your TV. But you choose what program you want to do, or you can select a random workout each day if you want and just do it. I decided to do the beginners style just because I have a sneaky suspicion that I may be more out of shape than I realize. The cool thing is, before I decided to sign up for it, I downloaded the app on my Nook and watched/worked out with the free thirty minute exercise video it shows you before you decide to buy. I only lasted 15 minutes into it though. It was a total body workout and they did A LOT of squats. I couldn’t do them anymore and it now hurts to stand up. I used to have amazing legs because they were so toned in high school. Kind of depressed they’re not like that anymore. Once I complete the beginners program, I’m definitely going to do the dance one. Super psyched about that. But I’m also going to try to change what goes into my body too. I did buy a whole bunch of salad, but I honestly love salad and I’ve eaten for lunch for the past four days. Sure I put cheese, croutons, and ranch dressing (lite ranch dressing) on it, but it’s still salad and I could be eating the cheeseburger I’ve been dreaming about instead. So, I’m eating more salad and fruit and I’ve cut out candy and soda. Not too bad so far. And I’m really excited to workout tomorrow.

Another goal of mine is that I’m going to try to just let go of the small things. And some of the larger things too. I really would love to just stop being mad at my ex. Sure, he does tend to piss me off when he doesn’t see his daughter much, but I need to let go of my anger towards him when it comes to our past. It’s over and done with and there isn’t a damned thing I can do about it. That was the big thing. The small things are just as hard though. For instance, does it really matter that my boyfriend doesn’t take the same route to work as I do? No. But it still irritates me. Even though I know it shouldn’t. I’m trying to let go of that stuff. I am, however, still going to allow myself to get mad/irritated when he fills the grocery cart with overpriced junk we don’t need. I’m very much a list person and I don’t want it if it’s not on my list. Period. 

The only other goals I’m going to focus on are just better money control, trying to find happiness everyday, and just be me. OH! Before I forget, we may be getting our own house this year (it’s actually a trailer, but it’ll be in our name)! I’m really excited about it, and I really hope it happens because I don’t know what we’re going to do otherwise.

Christmas day actually hit me hard this year. The past few years, I didn’t exchange gifts with my ex. We just didn’t have the extra money. Now that I’m looking back, that was complete bull crap. We didn’t need to spend as much as we did on our daughter. She doesn’t even play with half that stuff anymore from Christmas 2012. So this year, I don’t think I spent over $40 on her. And she was really happy with everything she got. Her favorite? A $5 princess camera I got at Walmart. It’s really cute actually. She pushes the button and a light flashes before the ‘digital screen’ displays a picture of one of the princesses. The picture changes every time and she’s really cute with it. She’ll run up to you, tell you to say cheese, aim the camera, press the button, and show you which princess you are. It’s really funny. Lesson learned. But this year my boyfriend bought me a gift. I had naturally assumed that we wouldn’t be buying each other gifts, so when I found out he bought something, I went into panic mode. He insisted he didn’t want anything, I insisted on buying him something. He loves playing video games and I knew which ones he wanted, but they were all at least $60 and I wanted to get him something more girlfriend-like that didn’t cost a lot. He doesn’t like a lot of stuff, but the stuff that he does like isn’t exactly cheap. Hence my dilemma. I eventually went with buying him a bottle of Mountain Dew and some of his favorite snacks. He loved it. He got me SimCity and the final season of Friends for Christmas. I have all the other seasons already and I actually had the tenth one too….. until I lent it to someone who never returned it. The Friends shocked me. I had no idea he listened that closely to me. I was amazed and really happy. My sister got me this awesome recipe book that is very much me and some pretty awesome nail polishes that look like paint splatter (from Avon). My mom got me a really nice (and pink!) hair dryer and a salon quality hair straightener. I was really happy. The hair dryer I had had since I was 16 blew up over a year ago and my (now) old hair straightener was literally in two pieces (but still worked). I don’t like to spend that kind of money on myself so my hair has been pretty bad lately, making those gifts that much more awesome. Leave it to my mom to truly know what I need. Oh, and she got me wooden shirt and pant hangers. That may sound boring to you, but I love wooden hangers and, again, I haven’t been able to justify the cost of buying them. And then during our Christmas gift game thing we play with the whole family, I ended up with the gift my mom had bought, which was a really nice set of pot holder mitts and microfiber dishcloth. Considering I didn’t really expect to receive anything this year (apart from the game), I was really happy. Which brings me to my last topic for the night.

I dated my ex for almost four years. I won’t go into details, but during those four years, I was primarily broke, depressed, and I felt like nothing was ever going to get better. I never did my hair or makeup. I didn’t try to dress up. Various relationship issues made me depressed and my self esteem had been at an all time low. I mean really low. My once vibrantly bright world was dark and gray. I saw no happy ending. Not even when I got pregnant. It’s been about a year since we broke up now. It was hard for me to do, not in an emotional way though. It was hard because I didn’t know what would happen. But I had to do it. For my daughter and myself. I deserve to be happy. And my daughter deserves to grow up seeing and feeling happiness. She most certainly didn’t deserve to grow up in the kind of relationship we had. It was only like two weeks later that I got together with my current boyfriend. Rushing into relationships has always been a problem of mine, and a few months into ours, I actually worried that I made a mistake again. The worry didn’t last long at all though, and I let the rushing slide. Truth is, I wasn’t emotionally invested in my old relationship anymore before we had broken up. So it didn’t feel like I was rushing at the time. In the beginning of our new relationship, I carried all the same insecurities with me from the old one. I was constantly worried that he was going to be mad at me over everything, or jealous about something, or just anything. I felt like I was walking on eggshells while I tried to be perfect for him and not upset him. As it turns out, it was all pointless. My boyfriend could care less if I walked out the door with makeup on or not. He does keep saying I look prettier without it. Jury’s still out on that one. He just doesn’t care about any of those things that I was worried about in the beginning. And honestly, it scared me. Did I find myself a guy who just doesn’t care enough about me? Or did I find a guy that didn’t know what it meant to be in a relationship? Apparently neither is the right answer here. I had forgotten what it was like to be in a normal, healthy relationship. It still took me all year to adjust to this ‘new’ style, and in some ways, I’m still adjusting. When I went to bed Christmas night, it had suddenly hit me. I’m in a loving relationship again. And not just with my boyfriend, but with my family too. I had no idea just how isolated I was from them for so long, that it just took me by surprise this year. I also realized that my self esteem, my feeling of self worth, had increased quite a bit. I feel happier now than I have in years. I’m more secure with my decisions and my feelings that I don’t feel the need to rely completely on anybody else. My body image doesn’t bother me as much anymore even though I still want to get healthy and in shape. And I feel more like who I was before I met my ex. I don’t know if I’ll ever be the same again because life happened, but I do know that the enormous progress I’ve made over the year is in thanks to my boyfriend, and my mom. Without them, I’d still be insecure, depressed, and most likely lonely. I love them even more now.


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